The Nothing

Here I lay lost not knowing where I am. What is this place? I see nothing wherever I look. I walk, I run, I gaze into the distance, but no matter where I go or what I try - the result is the same, nothing. It's

not a still nothing, this nothing is a moving entity that engulfs not only my body, but the essence that makes me who I am. It's a storm of nothing and I'm in the eye of this horrible place. I've never been so scared. How can this nothing storm take all my hopes and dreams? But worst, how can it take control of who I am, the part of me that makes me - me. My emotions, my thoughts, my soul, my spirit.... I've lost them to this nothing storm and I'm only a shell of a person I use to know. I'm so hollow. So hollow.

I tread carefully as I place one foot in front of the other, being in the middle of the nothing storm creates a blackness in which I can't even see my broken hand. I'm worried I will step into a hole and fall deep into a pit of despair or a swamp of sadness unable to free myself. What is this? Is this my fate? My destiny? Forever struggling to escape the clutches of the swamp of sadness? Why has god let me come to this place?

Fuck you god. What the fuck??? My whole life you've just let me suffer. You were supposed to carry me during the difficult times, but when I look back in the sand, you were never there. There is just my little footprints growing into adulthood always on my own. And if my whole life is some twisted fucked up shit trying to get me to come to you or give my life to you like I've been preached at my whole life, you can go suck the devils dick - cause fuck you.

Why does everyone whom I love betray me? What's wrong with me? I try to be a good person, and think of others, but it has always been to my detriment. Why? Why is it so hard to see the good in me? To love me? To truly love me? What am I doing so wrong? I know I'm not perfect, but why am I the one who is betrayed by loved ones? Whenever I have EVER opened myself up - I'm betrayed by the people who are supposed to be there for me. This last betrayal hurts more than all the other betrayals I've experienced combined. It has utterly destroyed me. I have nothing. I am nothing.

I'm trying, but I'm losing the battle to ever be vulnerable again - I can feel it slipping away, and now I'm lost in this nothing storm and feel hopeless. Will I ever get out? Will I ever truly feel loved by another person? What does that even look like? It's easy to love when things are going well, but when it gets hard, I'm no longer lovable and I'm betrayed. How is that love? I haven't actually experienced such love from another person to love me through hard times. Is that just how people love me? From my family, my children, and Anna - they just abandon me behind my back. They don't even love and respect me enough to tell me. Am I destined for god to keep fucking with me? Is it my fate that I will just be betrayed by the people I love? Do I just accept this fate of being a door mat? Is it love or foolishness of me if I just accept and prepare for future betrayals because that's what they need? Love is selfless right?

I slowly curl up into a tiny ball trying to protect my hollow and broken heart from those I love.