Dear Self

March 4, 2020

Dear Self,

I want you to find happiness. True happiness and peace within your soul. I know some days it feels impossible and the emotions from Annie's infidelity are all you can feel, but remember the pain will recede with time. Remember when you first found out? Your mind couldn’t comprehend her actions and what she had done. You were angry, hurt, sad and you felt like your entire world had ended.

Well, your life did not end.

You’ve woken up 64 days since that horrible day. Your eyes have opened, your feet have touched the ground and you’ve taken countless breaths since then. Breathing seems like such a simple action but remember how hard it was to catch your breath in the wake of discovering her affair? Remember the frantic tears and screaming that consumed you? Remember breaking your hand on the steering wheel? That part is over. For 64 days you’ve opened your eyes each morning and survived. Survived a pain worse than you have ever known or could imagine.

Perhaps you did not realize how much you loved her until you realized your marriage might be over. It’s possible that both of you did not comprehend the devastation and horror of deception until the affair was uncovered. And it’s possible, that Annie, as much as she says she loves you, did not love herself enough to stop the affair. The affair was not about you. Her feelings led her to self-destruct. She never considered for one second during her affair that her actions would rip your heart out, cause you pain that would make you welcome death, or possibly destroy the marriage you once shared.

You can't project how you love onto her trying to comprehend her actions because she obviously loves you differently - not how you thought she loved you, and you need to accept you are two different people.

You do not have and never should have to earn Annie's love. You are important and worthy of love by simply being you.

Remember to love yourself. Embrace happiness. Pursue your dreams. You are in control of your own future and the people you choose to share your life with. You are secure in yourself and that is also a blessing. Don’t let this affair change who you are deep down inside and prohibit you from trusting. Yes, the affair should open your eyes and force you to look deeply at what weaknesses lay within you and Annie, but don’t allow this to change your soul.

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

You are smart.

You are kind.

You are strong.

I bet you never realized how strong you actually are. You never thought you would fight for a broken relationship and do it with pride. You never thought you would love her if she cheated. I know it shocks the hell out of you that you never stopped loving her. Your arms wrapped around her body have never made your heart smile as much. Her kiss has never made you feel so loved. The sound of her voice has never made your heart beat faster than it does today. Your love will continue and grow. You will find that when you make your way to the other side of this journey you will both be better, stronger and happier regardless of the relationship outcome.

Every day is a blessing, even those days that feel like a nightmare. You realize this now when you look around and see how fragile life can be. You’ve lost a part of yourself, your heart, a dream, confidence, security, family, an unbreakable togetherness since discovering her affair.

But -

Life continues regardless of the pain you feel and the tears you cry. Remember the sun rises each morning out of darkness and so shall you. When you place your feet upon the ground, connect yourself to the world and engage your mind, body and soul in all that you do.

You are much more than this affair.

Annie is much more than this affair.

As strong as you are, remember that you are also vulnerable. You forgot that before. You thought that true love was not vulnerable to an affair. You didn’t protect the marriage. You didn’t know any better, but now you do.

Never forget.

I hope Annie realizes she trusted the wrong person. She gave up, she abandoned you, she abandoned the couple as wife and husband. She exploited Matt, and he wasn't man enough nor had the character to stand up for what was right. Annie made you to be a fool by deceiving and betraying you for her own selfish needs. She left you feeling like a complete failure in all aspects of your life.

However, you need to recognize both of your mistakes, don't own hers and accept yours while taking that knowledge with you.

Remember your vow that love is a verb, an action, and you must live that love to feel it everyday. Don't wait for her or anyone. If you feel love, you own it and behave with those feelings, because you understand now that love is primary… life may bring annoyances and grievances but love must be first. Communication is utterly important. No matter how much you love someone and how in sync you are, neither of you are mind readers. You must speak your thoughts, your fears, your joys–all of it matters and is more important than you knew.

There is no road map to heal from infidelity but you should trust your instincts. Take it slowly because it will take time. No matter how powerful and painful the breaking and shattering of your heart is from infidelity, that breaking is opening up a door to a new life. One that is better because of this pain; so, put your shattered & broken heart back together piece by piece knowing you will be stronger regardless of the marriage outcome.

You will survive.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Listen to your heart.

Remember your why.

Work hard.

Don't look for the elevator.

Always go for the stairs.

And take one step at a time.

Love,

Yourself