Definition of love

My definition of love -

When a person truly loves someone, it is not just a feeling. To love is to feel and act lovingly.

Real love is not egotism. It is when one person believes in another person and shows it by supporting the other person's path to happiness.

A person recognizes his/her own love for the other person when it is realized the person you chose to be with is not perfect - not perfect from little to big things. As in little: doesn't rinse out the kitchen sponge, or squeezes the toothpaste from the middle and lets the tube get gunked up at the opening. To big: the person can be challenging, insecure, difficult, and reactive at times.

Love is patient. This is one of the most difficult I think. To practice patience means to let go of time. I have been tempted and have caught myself in projecting my time on love - but that is not loving. I think many people do this with regularity, projecting his/her time is the only way he/she knows how to love. Again, this is not love. Love is letting go. Love is letting be. Love is understanding.

Love is kind. Kindness is having empathy and sympathy for one's significant other. Sometimes kindness can take many forms and may not look like kindness; however, the combination of empathy, sympathy, and knowing one's vulnerabilities one will act with kindness to continue to support the significant other's path to happiness knowing he/she is not perfect. Sometimes kindness means to disappoint, even making significant other angry. I believe

there is a difference between being kind and being nice. "Kindness” is based on one's own ethics, one's own values, and one's own beliefs. "Niceness” is based on how other people see you. I believe I have failed more often than not in this area. I was being nice, or codependent believing I was being selfless but I wasn't being kind.

Love does not envy. One should not long to possess or want something awarded to or achieved by one's significant other. Overtime this feeling will create resentment. I remember feeling envious over breast feeding and the bond it creates. It was at this time I really thought about envy, and I checked my thoughts and feelings. Recognizing these feelings and thinking about them through the lens of love, I actually began to be grateful that our son was having a special bond with Annie that would solidify his sense of security for his entire life.

Love is not proud. For a moment, my own pride caused some envy in Annie's career; however, recognizing these feelings and thinking about them through the lens of love, I again became grateful and admired Annie in her career achievements even bragging about her to others.

Love is respectful. Almost all qualities we desire in our perfect mate can fall under the umbrella of respect.

Love is not self-seeking. This does not mean to fore sake personal needs, but rather to support significant other's happiness and needs above one's self.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. Easier said than done for sure. I believe good communication is the key in this area combined with not becoming envious. Keeping records of wrongs leads to resentment, and resentment and love cannot occupy the same space in the heart.

Love is not controlling or possessive. There is no ownership in love. Love should never be used to control someone such as ultimatums and other controlling behaviors. Love is walking side by side, not in front of or behind.

Love is draining, and destructive. Love is confusing. Love is addictive. Love is consuming. Love is disappointing. Love is quicksand. Love is arguing, fighting, disagreeing. Love is white knuckles. Love is frustration. Love is rebuilding. Love is debilitating. Love is distracting. Love is lopsided. Love is looking at one's own defects. Love is denying feelings. Love is being left in the dark. Love is unmet expectations. Love can be magical and catastrophic - sometimes all at once.

Love in a word... challenging. Extremely challenging.

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When one supports someone's happiness because of love and that person knows a behavior such as cheating would be devastating to the other person, and proceeds to cheat then that person does not love the other person base on the way I define love.

Why?

Defining love in this way will cause one to question one's self and his/her behavior before doing anything that would be seen as betrayal and/or something grievously painful to the person he/she loves. Conscious decisions that lead to actions and behaviors that are KNOWINGLY betraying or something grievously painful to cause removal of his/her's significant other's happiness, trust and sense of security within the relationship is not love -- not in how I define it.

Said in another way that might seem over dramatic for those not knowing the pain of being betrayed from an affair, but I believe it doesn't even truly capture the pain.

If someone truly loves someone in how I define love, one will not be able to go behind significant other's back and kiss someone else without tasting his/her significant other's tears of pain. He/she will not be able to take clothes off for someone else without feeling like a field ripped bare to its soil. He/she will not be able to share part of his/her soul that was promised to the one he/she loves. Cheating is a selfish choice committing emotional murder to the person one says he/she loves. How I define love, one cannot love and cheat.

While I define love this way, I realize love is ever changing. So when my definition of love stops changing, I stop loving. When I've stopped loving, a vortex is created where impatience, resentment, and selfishness fills the empty space. All of which is not love as I've described above. So while I must hold on to my definition of love, I must leave room for the unknown, for the new, for magic. It is in this space of the unknown that I will stretch my heart, learn, grow, and continually redefine love. Love is accepting and being vulnerable by leaving space for the unknown.

So what does it mean when someone says "he/she loves you" but decided to cheat anyways? The only way I can reconcile this concept is the person defines love differently than I do.

Maybe the cheater defines love in a way that is more about one's self than the other person. Maybe he/she defines love as something like: "I love the way I feel when I'm with you." However, I would define that as "infatuation love" - because a person who cheats is not supporting the person he/she said they loved - he/she is only loving in a way that supports one's self.