Fare Thee Well

Dearest Annie,

I never would have imagined our story would end - I thought and truly believed we would last forever. I could never have seen this as our future and I’m left feeling empty as though something inside has died. It was a dream come true falling in love with you through letters and sending you kisses through my fingertips - hoping you would read my words with your lips. Now my hands tremble as I find myself lost in a nightmare in which I cannot escape the heart ache as I write this final letter to my love, my confidant, my best friend, my everything.

Losing you feels like losing a part of me. I will always love you, miss you, want you. There are so many amazing shared moments with you, moments that will remain in my heart forever, although I know that what is ours has come sadly to this point in our lives. I will not deny that it hurts deeply, because I am and have always been so in love with you. But I am also aware that things have changed enormously and I will no longer force myself to force them.

There are so many things in our relationship that I am thankful for and amazing memories I hold dear to my broken heart. Do you remember the first time you took me to the Rose Garden? The way you felt in my arms and the way my heart smiled when we touched was pure magic to me. Sitting in the garden in your presence admiring your kind and sexy smile with your beautiful green eyes made me feel like I was in heaven. I remember thinking that life could not possibly become any better for me than it was at that very moment. It was then I knew I wanted to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you to have a lifetime of those moments.

I know I could never have given you the world, but you were the only person I saw in the world. You were the only one, and you were everything to me. My greatest failure was my inability to have you feel the way I actually felt. I don’t think I will ever understand how you have come to believe or thought:

* You didn’t/don’t believe I love you.

* I treated you like a slave. Sitting on the couch doing nothing.

* I take no responsibility for anything.

* I was an abusive husband.

* Being cheated on is what happens when one is abusive.

* Implying I might be gay.

* I’m a mooch

* Questioning and telling me I might be a pedophile .

* I have deep seeded issues with pathological and clinical issues.

* I’m not dealing in reality.

* I’m not capable.

* I’ve ruined your life.

Though I don’t understand and the words cut deep, I know I must have been sending those messages to you. I am so deeply sorry for ever making you feel anything remotely close to the above. I truly love you from the depth of my soul, and I would have rather ceased to exist than to cause such horrible feelings in you. I can’t even describe the anguish I feel knowing I’ve caused such feelings, and I’m disgusted with myself at my feeble attempt to even begin to apologize for creating such horrific feelings - though I still will try….. I’m so, so very sorry.

You were everything to me, my love - my world revolved around you. I wanted to be your knight in shining armor. Not your savior for a little woman - not even close. Knight in shining armor means to me to be the most special and important person in your life. Ever since I was little, I’ve been forgotten with feelings of being not special and not important. When we were dating, I felt like not just a knight, but a king that could conquer the world. I knew I was important and special to you, and I wanted to be perfect for you because you deserved it and I wanted to be that person more than anything.

A common phrase in our marriage I would hear, “if you loved me…” I felt I had to do things a certain way for you to feel loved. I wanted so badly for you to feel loved and special. I started dropping different systems like my reminders because if I loved you, I shouldn’t need those things according to you. I am so foolish and sorry for not communicating better. I’m also sorry for not better understanding my ADHD and how it was effecting our lives in so many ways. Please know that I am not excusing my lack of follow through or my impulsiveness in dialog with ADHD, because I am not. I had no idea my executive functioning and long term planning was effected because of ADHD. I’m apologizing not only for my behavior but also for not understanding it better to make adjustments where needed. I can only imagine how frustrating it has been over the years.

Your happiness was beyond important to me. It was an obsession - I had to make you feel loved and feel happy. Though it is to late, I do realize how I failed in assuming how you wanted to be loved. Like a dog with a squirrel, as soon as you would say something, I would alter course and try to make that thing happen for you without ever really completing anything. I’m so sorry I was so slow and late to connect the dots. Maybe if I had talked to you more or expressed my needs differently we could have figured it all out. I knew you weren’t happy and disappointed in me. It was easy to pick up on the subtleties of this resentment through your words and your actions towards me. My obsession of making you happy and for you to feel my love turned into trying to prove I love you and make you not upset with me. The more effort I gave to this obsession the more I seemed to be failing - making the situation worse. A strong feeling of trepidation started to emerge the more I felt like I was failing you. Constantly worried, I began focusing on important but not urgent things that would either worsen the situation or prolong things. I slowly began getting down on myself more and more. Without realizing it, I let myself spiral into dysthymia with the reality of disappointing and letting the most important person in my life down. I really believed at the time, if I could just do this, or do that, then you will be happy and everything would be better. Knowing you weren’t already happy with me, I tried to shoulder my feelings in order to not burden you more, or be in anyway selfish by expressing my feelings when you were upset with me. I am sincerely sorry for allowing myself to spiral, but more importantly, I’m sorry for not communicating. Communication is utterly important. No matter how much I love you and how in sync I thought we were, neither of us are mind readers. I should have spoken more of my thoughts, more of my fears, more of my joys – all of it matters and is more important than I knew. What seems so obvious now haunts me in my thoughts constantly. I am tormented and so very sorry I have learned this to late for us.

I am also extremely sorry for not sitting down and really figuring out what career path I wanted to go down. The only one I put all my eggs into was for dispatcher - it was not just some other thing I tried. I really wanted it. But I should have figured out sooner what I really wanted to do in order to focus and give my all to it.

I’ve always wanted you. Just you. I know you felt I went with the flow, but when we started talking at first I struggled with an internal battle of knowing intuitively you were going to change my life and the fact that you were married. It had nothing to do with going with the flow. I also want to let you know that the photoshop of your photos (make-up/nails) was only to practice photo editing. I was never trying to make you into something I wanted, because I wanted you just the way you were. The make-up and nail polish helped me with learning colors and shading. I was not interested in staring at someone else’s photo or giving myself make-up and it never occurred to me the message I might send to you. I’m sorry for sending that message because you were perfect to me.

Before you I was lost without purpose accepting my life was a waste. I felt it was this way because of my history due to what happened to me and due to my poor choices. It was because of you though I learned that even a broken crayon can color beautifully. This one gift from you, saved me then - and will help me now moving forward. Thank you for showing me even if I am broken, I can still color beautifully.

You once wrote me:

> “I want to be the person you share your soul with. The person you trust more than anyone else, your best friend.”

You absolutely were all those things - I know I’m guarded, but I opened myself up to you like I’ve never done to anyone. I exposed my soul, my deepest fears, and I fully gave you my heart. Not because you said you wanted to be that person, but because you were that person to me.

I won’t tell you how you feel, but I can honestly say that the hardest thing to accept is that you don’t love me the way I thought or believed you did. It is though shard glass has been dropped into my heart continuously cutting me with every heart beat. However, even with the knowledge of all that has happened and difficulties in our 11 years, and the extreme struggle the past year, I still would have chosen you because it was never a grind for me. I completely loved our story while living it, and I smile as I look back in remembrance. While it wasn’t perfect, I thought you were perfect for me and you brought beautiful colors to my life which I will be forever grateful for.

I sincerely want the best for you. I forgive you for all your choices. It doesn’t mean I’ve resolved all my feelings and I’m still mending my shattered heart, but I do forgive you. May you find peace, may you find happiness, but above all, may you find love, to truly feel loved from someone you truly love. If you still believe in soulmates, I pray that you find him because you deserve it more than anyone I’ve ever known.

I will continue moving forward and live with our memory and our beautiful story inside of me. That will keep me living because you are part of that engine that moves me.

As lovingly as I possibly can, I say goodbye. I want you to know that I will never stop thinking about you, and I love you, always.

I hope to dance with you in my dreams at the perfect time of 916.

With love,

T