Talking about anger

After talking about my anger and what I'm feeling....

Said I was abusive husband, I said what you did (affair) was abusive and she said that's what happens when you've been an abusive husband... ouch! I shot back saying she was also abusive. Then backtracked and said I felt she was abusive at the time

She told me if I felt she abused me in marriage I should leave. This is after we agreed to 3 month commitment

Told me she doesn't want me at birthday dinner if I'm going to keep being passive aggressive. I told her I'm not trying to be passive aggressive, I'm upset and processing feelings but I'm not ignoring her.

I don't get to have a perspective- she says my perspective and how I was interpreting things are only inner thoughts and self dialogues and she will not allow me to blame her for that. That is on me and nothing to do with her. I told her before talking about careers I take responsibility for and realize they are ultimately my decisions to do what I was doing.

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Whenever I have recently talked about feelings about marriage and my feelings, she gets really upset and says it's all me and she has nothing to do with my feelings.

When she asks for examples of how I could possibly even think about another motive for her intentions to reconcile, she shits all over them - examples:

* "I'm a nice guy, and we have history together".... her response- "there's a lot of nice guys out there." Sheesh - this statement after she has an affair with an introvert (like me) that I assume is generally a nice guy.

* "protecting image - family" - response: "do you want me to tell everyone you were arrested for molestation? Of course not. It's normal to not want everyone to know"

She tells me if I were to think about it logically and think about her, I should know there is only one option. Her love for me and wants to grow old with me is her only reason because she is completely self sufficient but wants me. She is cutting me down and poking holes in my perspective making me question myself and my thoughts. This is where I normally fold and start actually questioning myself and wondering if I'm just being an asshole. But if I take a step back, there are two truths I can stand on and keep present:

1. Cheating is wrong

2. Trust is broken from cheating

Knowing this, I know my logic is sound and it is ok to doubt or question her and I'm not letting her alter my thoughts or doubt myself regarding this.

She says I am controlling- manipulative-

And I Take no responsibility. I tell her I apologize all the time for the things Im wrong about and she came back with I don't apologize for the things that matter.

Told me to make Decision to take responsibility and work on myself or get divorced.

I am the one reading books, buying books for her - going to therapy, going to get assessed for substance abuse and staying even though she said I don't belong there and asked if I wanted to leave....signing up and going to emotional classes in the evening. Yet she sees nothing and accuses me of not doing anything and she is gauging it on my behavior which she doesn't even recognize is the opposite of what she is saying - she wants me to admit responsibility and take action on improving myself. What??!! How often has this type of shit happened in our marriage?

I told her I'd give her a decision Friday - she said seriously? You need that much time for a decision? I told her I needed to talk to my therapists because I'm f'ed in the head and don't know what to believe. I honestly believe she is gaslighting me and I don't even know how to gauge how much of it happened in our marriage but I didn't want to say that.

Said she is sleeping on couch and if I can't make a decision quickly our whole marriage is joke.

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Annie had her feelings hurt about the Hamilton tickets. I said I didn't want them because of the timeframe of when I bought them, but wanted someone else to enjoy them. I chose Susan and Robert because they are introverted and extroverted like us and I don't want people suffering like us. I figured we could create intimacy better by doing something else instead of consuming a show. She said, you don't thin

threatening me to make decision or divorce or if I feel like she abused me then I should leave now. Blocking my path to tuck kids in at night accusing me that I was not being rational. It's unbelievable to me she is only thinking of herself and how I didn't give her the tickets.