Strong Enough?

I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. With the illusion of our love being special gone, what is left to fight for? The kids? What message does that send to them if we stay together and not really love each other the way we thought we did? Will it only generate an illusion of love for them? I couldn't bear knowing that I contributed to their pain by helping paint the illusion of love.

I can't even describe the pain I feel. The weight of the pain is unbearable and I'm not strong enough to hold it. I wish I could give Annie my pain just for a moment. Not to hurt her, but for her to feel and understand how much pain and hurt she's caused. Though Annie says she understands - Annie doesn't really understand. I know she was cheated on, but it's different.

Actually, maybe it is the same. Maybe she did love John like I love her. Everything I've known to be true can no longer withstand the questioning of truth. I don't even know if anything I've known can withstand questioning of truth - ultimately becoming a possible illusion I've held. Even if she loves John like I love her, she doesn't have the history of her family accusing her of a hideous crime willing to put her in jail for 10+ years. The pain is truly unbearable.

It infuriates me how she can say she would never be a certain way when she obviously was so upset and hurt about the tinder thing. The worst thing I did was put my picture up and talk about some likes and dislikes of hobbies after the affair had come out. Yet, she's so conflicted about it since she was having sex with someone else behind my back and she feels so hurt about what I did.

Annie gave him everything I've been longing for from her for so long. Her attention, her time, her imagination, her conversations, her love, her body. What would she have really felt if I was having sex with someone behind her back giving those things to someone else? It's easy for her to say in her position she would feel "hurt/angry" but never do this or that and say she knows that I still love her. I don't understand when she agrees with me how surreal this is. She is the one who made this choice - over and over. I had no choice in this new reality yet it feels surreal to her? Argh

Betrayal, rejection - my two greatest deep seeded fears, and I find myself being consumed by them. Betrayal was what I felt, my heart broken not just by Annie, but someone who I was deeply in love with and also by as I once believed, my best friend. Annie betrayed and rejected me to the extreme depths of my heart. She was the one person, **THE ONE PERSON** who was never supposed to hurt me. She cut to the core and to the very depths of my heart. It's worse than what my family did.... I would have rather died, literally, I would have wanted fucking death than have to live through this betrayal and rejection from her. I'm so broken I can't bear the weight - what am I going to do? I'm worried - I'm worried I won't be able to pick myself up this time. I'm worried my fight is over and it's only a matter of time before I just lie down and give up. Maybe I already have. I find it pointless to even care anymore - there's no one to love me and not betray me. Loving me and betraying me are two things I've unfortunately learned go hand in hand.

I'm no one's knight in shining armor. I'm no one's hero. I'm not at all unique and obviously not prized. I'm no one - and thinking differently was the saddest illusion of all. Annie can say what she wants and she feels the way she feels.... but this is my truth. Only until I can accept this fact, this truth of reality, will I be able to not feel like a victim, and be able to start rebuilding whatever will become of my life with or without Annie.

I was so down trodden, lonely, feelings of being unlovable, frustrated from feelings of not being heard, depressed, frustrated and sad of our sexless marriage, I had lost all color in my life and merely was existing before the affair. Then the real nightmare started. The start of the affair coincided when Annie stopped sleeping next to me. It is at this point my anxiety increased to an extreme. While Annie was having sex behind my back, I was a hot anxiety mess. I tried funneling the energy into positive actions but it was difficult. I stopped sleeping and eating. The fear of the unknown might be worse than knowing; yet, I would have rather had death than to know Annie....my Annie... my love.... betrayed me so horribly. I wish I had just died.

The illusion our love was special was the only thing that gave me strength and hope before. And it was this strength and hope that helped me want to start working and thinking differently about our relationship - I quickly devoured the book, Getting the Love You Want. It was through this book I began making connections to my childhood. As memories came back to me and I pictured the moments in my imagination, tears flooded my eyes and came pouring down without me making a sound. It was surreal the emotions that I was flooded with. The pain was so intense but extremely enlightening in not only how it had effected me, but how it effected my relationship with Annie. I was reluctant, scared, but hopeful at the same time in sharing with Annie. It's the type of thing one doesn't easily share with just anyone, but for me to share anything let alone something so private, so painful and something I wouldn't have shared with anyone as I was just learning it myself - the vulnerability to me was so extreme yet I found myself opening up and sharing with Annie. My desire to love her, to work on our relationship, far outweighed my severe hesitancy of being vulnerable even during this difficult time with her.

Looking back, it was these times in being so scared and vulnerable with her while she was having a secret sexual relationship that I feel utterly and completely foolish. Stating I feel so foolish doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of my feelings on this. What little was left of my unused dick was now fully chopped off, and I stand here completely naked and dickless holding only the shattered pieces of love's illusions.

Will the affair become another obstacle Annie and I overcome in our story? Or will it define our story - ultimately ending it? How can two months of an affair be so catastrophic to possibly define a relationship of 10 years? It was just a short emotional connection... it was just sex .... it was just her discovering herself .... It was just her wanting to feel alive .... It was just this or that ..... unfortunately it is the ripple effects that make a love affair so catastrophically damaging.

In my case, I have to deal with all the betrayals of everyone who has ever said they loved me. What is even real? Has anything ever been real in my life? Any emotion I've ever felt or anything someone has told me they felt real?

Emilio has been able to sense the tension in the house, and I believe that is why he has had such a hard time with transitioning to Kindergarten. His anxiety increased as my anxiety increased during the affair. I truly hate myself for being so weak in showing so much anxiety taking away his natural confidence and making him feel insecure.

My mom's affair really effected me when I was younger. I wrote a novella not long after the affair came out and my parents were splitting up. The little book was centered around infidelity. The one protagonist was a wife whom everyone loved, but it turned out she started murdering because she was having an affair and was trying to cover it up. My mom's affair greatly effected me and I was only a year older than Dylan. Because of this, when I think of Dylan, I'm extremely worried. Annie cheated on his dad, now she's cheated on his step-dad. I would do anything to keep Dylan from feeling any of the pain I felt so long ago. Does that mean staying in the marriage no matter what? Would that be healthy? Either way, Dylan can never know about the affair. Before I knew about the affair, he asked about cheating with us and I valiantly defended Annie and myself with the belief our love was special.

Even though I have lied in my past, I despise lying and carry heavy guilt with it; yet, I have to lie to Dylan now and I'm so heart broken about that. I'm not sure what that makes me... but I know I can't let him know now or in the future. I'm deflated and upset that I will have to protect Annie's sexual affair that has caused so much anguish to me by lying and covering for her.

The immediate family unit is so important to me - which is why it was really important to me to have Christmas privately before seeing extended family. It had to do with my favorite memories growing up with my family. Even if my dad was working, he was there in his uniform. My greatest fear comes from losing my family unit and love from my mom when she moved into the garage while having an affair .... and this feels literally exactly the same. My worst nightmare sadly being relived almost 30 years later. The future has never felt so hopeless and bleak, especially when it always held so much promise and happiness of looking back on our lives together.

Where does all this ultimately leave me? I don't want to be a victim in this situation. I want to have a good relationship with Annie and stay with her - is that even possible now? Do I just accept life's pains and betrayals and prepare for the next betrayal and figure out how to make it work with Annie? Do I become the bad guy and leave? Do I try to keep some kind of hope that someone else will love me and respect me enough not to betray me? How can I even do that when "hope" has become one of the most dangerous words I now know. I am completely lost and hopeless.

I can't believe this is our marriage......our life. Not only have I lost everything I've believed in, I feel like I've lost the love and respect of my wife as well as my best friend.