Processing . . .

As I continue to process, grieve, and accept, I'm slowly getting better. I've also noticed I'm decoupling better. I was struggling with this, but that too has gotten better.

Some of the things that have helped me recognize this and start to embrace this concept:

1. Differences of what it means to have an emotional affair

2. Not regretting the affair

3. Differences in how we view what Love is

4. What it means to be "in love"

5. Direct comparison of me cheating on Kathy as my girlfriend and how I handled it, vs how she handled her cheating with me as her spouse.

6. Our individual value systems in our relationship as well as day to day and how it interconnects

As I decouple, I am becoming more curious about her and how she truly views and believes about some of these things. And I'm excited to keep learning about her.

I'm also noticing that I've put labels onto things expecting she will have the same thoughts and feelings about a label. For instance, being "in love". I don't want to use that label because it means something different to her than to me. So as I think about these things, I realize I need to try to reverse the process, and try to explain my feelings and thoughts which are my beliefs before the label. For instance, I will focus on one particular subject and express emotions regarding it, how I value those emotions, what those emotions mean to me, and how those emotions effect my beliefs. The matter I am describing would have a label I attach to it such as being "in love". By reversing the process in this way, we easily can see where the differences are instead of automatically assuming being in love means the exact same thing to the other person. It will be hard to break the habit of using labels and assuming the other knows exactly, but I believe recognizing it is the first step to the change.

I know Annie loves me, and I do believe she loves me; however, these new thoughts with an understanding how we view love brings me to the biggest question of all in our relationship. Not whether or not I want to stay with Annie after her affair, but rather, do I want to be with someone who has a different idea of what love is, or do I want to find someone who views love and being in love the same way I do? If I believe in a certain way about love, I don't find it a stretch at all to imagine that someone else could have the same belief in love as myself. While we are all human and fail at various aspects of life for various reasons, I believe a true belief is concrete and one would believe with a feverish faith in that belief without fail.

If Annie and I ultimately decide that while we love (in our own individual way) each other, we don't want to grow old with one another. There is no actual guarantee of ever finding someone who believes in love as I do. Most people I would assume marry without the intention of ever cheating. The concept is so foreign that it just is not possible. Similar to soldiers going to war. Not until the moment bullets are whizzing by your head, and there's an immediate threat to you, will you know if you are going to return fire for yourself and those who fight next to you, or if you are a deserter and run away. It is in the actual moment of truth that threatens your belief if you truly have that belief or not.

So where would that leave me if I elect to search for someone who has the same belief in love as me? The only true way to know, is for that person to hit rock bottom and be presented with the opportunity. Only then, would one truly know if the belief is genuine or an illusion.

It was my experience with Kathy that has given me the insight and understanding in my beliefs of love and cheating. When I was at rock bottom recently, I created opportunities with online accounts. When presented with the possibility of moving forward or not, I didn't. However, this does not make me better or worse, it does not make me smart or foolish, selfless or selfish, good character or not, it simply makes me --- me. Similar to someone who does the opposite of what one thought he or she believed - it only brings awareness of what makes him/her the person he/she is.

*****

Something I've been thinking about and I'm still processing is lying. I have lied to Annie, I have held back information on purpose, given half truths at times over the course of our marriage. I also know she has as well and while it obviously was extremely detrimental to the marriage, it was overlooked and accepted to a degree. So why have I persecuted her so heavily on this particular subject now? Of course someone is going to lie if one decides to run around behind the back of a spouse. So why is it such a big deal?

There are different laws for different types of crimes. Different punishments for the degree of the same crime. If we use the Ten Commandments, are they all equally the same, or are there more severe ones? Is disrespecting your mother and father the same as murdering someone? It comes down to the individual's belief system influenced by culture and society norms of the time. I can only tie everything together with the reason of why she was lying and how it all correlates with my childhood.

The only times Annie and I have talked about infidelity was when we were first falling in love. We described the hurts, rejection, and unlovable depressed feelings we had. I remember her telling me after she found out about Jane and John, she went dancing and was making out with someone on the dance floor. She found out he had a girlfriend and was completely disgusted with him. I remember picturing Annie laying in bed as she described all her feelings from John's infidelity with Jane - I remember picturing her and wishing I could have been there to just hold her and tell her how much she is loved. Those times, those times were the only talks about infidelity we had - we never talked about expectations within our relationship and marriage. Does that mean she has a free pass since there were never any actual boundaries set up? Do boundaries in every area need to be discussed so there is an understanding? One can still choose to cross the boundary regardless of knowledge of it.

When Annie was first trying to talk to me even before she said she was a rebel, she said, "you know John cheated on me?.... just wanted you to know." I remember how awkward and random it was and the only way it made sense was she wanted to relay a message she was open to it for herself. Annie has confided in me recently a deep seeded uncontrollable desire to break all the rules sometimes. I'm happy to know her a little better; however, I'm concerned with the broken trust and her willingness to break all the rules. Even if we get to a place of honesty and understanding boundaries, Breaking rules and boundaries, and lying all go together. The concern would be the desire and lust of breaking the rules loses the power of passion if she has to explain what she is doing. Will I be able to accept another large betrayal from her? Is it fair for her to lose out on something she obviously desires? How to meet both of our needs in such a situation for a win win? Could I ever be part of her rule breaking desires or does that minimize it?

I don't know where this all leaves me and my relationship with Annie. All of this means nothing for the final results of our relationship as I continue to process everything separately from her. I do have hope we will figure it out and have a good romantic relationship for the rest of our lives. I believe we have a chance. However, when I look at Annie now, I don't see us being old together anymore, and my heart silently cries that something I cherished so much was stolen from me.