Illusions Shattered

"I've been praying for her since you were a little boy. I didn't know her name, but I knew someday you would find her, and I've been praying for her."

I was indoctrinated at a young age god had someone just for me. God handpicked us both to be together. By the time I became a teenager, I had romanticized love to an extreme. With heather, I was in love with the idea of love. Now I had a daughter that would have to suffer through a divorce due to my mistake of living a concept instead of the person. I spent a lot of time examining myself and making a determination to never be so foolish again. I was afraid of opening up and dated various women, but as soon as I felt they started to have feelings for me, I would break up with them. My mistake had soured my belief in something greater than myself. While I believed love conquers all, I was not going to be duped by lust or falling for a concept as I have previously done ever again.

Annie immediately caught my eye at the Disney dance showcase. It wasn't love at first sight or anything like that, but I was disappointed when I found out she was married. Our love affair started like an old love story through letter writing. I wasn't only infatuated with her, I was memorized by her caring and selfless nature. I wasn't falling in love with looks or personality, I was falling in love with someone's soul. It was nothing like I've ever experienced. She touched my soul and my heart smiled, and for the first time in my life, I truly felt genuine love for me from someone else. While I knew she liked my looks, I sincerely felt she loved the essence that made me- me.....my soul. It was a perfect love. She made my heart smile and no one has ever had such an ability and she did it without even trying.

I spent so much time analyzing my feelings and making sure I knew how I felt due to my previous experience as I had to know my truth of love for this woman I later would call my wife.

I became really anxious and worried the more Annie said I was her soulmate. I was worried she was going to be disappointed in me for not meeting expectations. Some of that fear came from my own experience of heather, but mostly, it was due to my mom preaching to me that I was a miracle baby and my calling was to be a missionary. Anything less than, would be disappointing to her and ultimately to god. I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing Annie in a similar fashion. I spent a lot of time examining this concept of soul mates. Real? Not real? I finally came to the conclusion while I don't think soul mates like in love stories exist, there are people meant for each other, and with this perfect love I felt with Annie, I had the person that not only I was supposed to be with, but I wanted to be with.

To help process this concept, I wrote an essay about it. At the end of the day, while I might not have used the word soulmate, there was a belief we were meant for each other. More importantly however, we had perfect love. The kind of love people long for - the kind that hope and dreams are built on. Books are written and movies are made about the type of love we had. While we enjoyed the eye candy of each other, it was loving each other souls that made it perfect love. I could have easily bet my life on this concept because I believed with everything that I am in it. It is this belief and faith that helped me in the dark times of our marriage because I knew without a doubt we had perfect love. Sorrowfully, this perfect love in the end grievously turned out to be just another illusion to be extirpated.

My whole life I've tried not to be rejected, abandoned and forgotten. No matter what I've done the result has always been the same. It's only a matter of time before someone I love abandons me, rejects me or just forgets me. I believed in the illusion that I could control not being hurt - but there is no guaranteeing of anything.

When Bekah stormed out of the house never to return, it felt like she was abandoning the family and forgetting us... deep down I felt she was abandoning me and choosing to forget me. All my work, all my efforts of always telling myself "I'm laying the ground work for her future character" left with her on the night she walked out in early November 2018. I have wondered if it would be easier to mourn the loss of death than mourn her choice to abandon - it hurts that much. The grieving process only became more difficult making me feel worse and depressed. When Annie told me I wasn't there for her, not only was it crushing, my illusion of being, not a perfect dad, but a good dad came crashing down. Within a moment, my parenting of 16.5 years of carefully removing and placing Jenga blocks on my parent Jenga tower came crashing down.

My world of illusions took another hit when Annie told me her New Years resolution was not to get a divorce in January 2019. It was a crushing blow as it was the one illusion I absolutely fully believed in. While crushing, it only pierced the armor of the illusion that I've held so close to my heart. However, by the end of the year, Annie told me she had been having an affair for weeks. Thus, Annie's affair completely shattered the foundation of my deeply held illusions.

The physical sexual acts over the weeks she did were hurtful and embarrassing to me, and the betrayal and emotional connection she had outside the marriage is agonizing torture that continues to haunt me. A feeling of utter devastation engulfs me as the realization of the affair marked the passing of not one, but two illusions that I had bet my life on and had complete faith in -

the first illusion lost was that our love was exceptional and special,

and the second that I was unique and prized.

As days (which felt like years) passed after the illusions I built my foundation of love on were shattered, tears of deep sadness were quickly turning into a form of depression while ushering me into a storm of nothingness.

I believe love truly does conquer all, but I've sadly discovered it does not care what it conquers. Love is not what I imagined, and I'm overwhelmingly despondent in knowing the truth of reality.