Dear Annie

My dearest Annie,

When you say you're going to tell me everything, what does that even mean to you? Do you know what that means to me? Do you care what that means to me? If you care, what are you going to do if you don't agree?

Before I can even think of talking to you in person, I need to know if you're telling the truth. Because if you expect me to blindly believe you at this point, you have gained zero awareness of yourself and behavior.

There's two main reasons why I asked for a letter:

1. I do want to hear what you have to say. I am interested in learning about you and the pain, excitement, and all the other things you were processing during this time. Before it started.... during and if it is over, the aftermath. I imagine you're already thinking horrible thoughts of why I would even want to know such things. The real reason is because I want to know every corner of your heart. I'm addicted to you - like a drug. I wish I wasn't because I realized I became very co-dependent to you. I became obsessed with trying to make you happy on a day to day basis and lost my sense of self. So it sucks.... obviously, and I am completely 100% heart broken - it literally felt like my heart was crying out from my chest. It's not because of the sex you had outside the marriage - but because of the betrayal, and broken trust with me. While the wound is still fresh, I don't want to cut you off with angry pain sarcasm or comments while you're talking. A letter is a way for that information to start and for me to hear it in it's entirety

2. I know your image is important despite what you say. When I say image, I am referring to the image you allow other people to see. You definitely don't want anyone thinking poorly of you, and if anyone found this information out, I believe you would be mortified and would do anything not to let that happen. I believe you changed your flight plans because you didn't want your mom to see anything at the house and/or ask me anything. If you talk to me, you are risking nothing. If you aren't risking anything, there's no reason to tell 100% truth as you don't even have to truly humble yourself.

The last time we talked, you wanted to continue the relationship with him and not work on us. He's your direct report, and you're going to work with him everyday. Talk about awkward- or maybe you will continue to see him because you have real feelings for him. I don't know - and you can't just say "listen and trust me"

You kept texting me after I said something that you feel sorry I feel that way. The thing is though, I feel this way based on what you have directly told me compounded by your behavior. Not just the past few months, but our entire marriage. I have serious doubts about you, your love, how you view our relationship, whether you can even be truly happy in a relationship with me, and whether you ever actually told 100% full truths.

A letter tells me that you are serious about us.... or at least serious about talking truth with me. Maybe I was wrong and we aren't meant to be. But I would like to have a real conversation with you trusting what you are actually saying one way or the other. There's risk involved in a letter because you're putting it on paper cementing the facts. The risk though is not about endangering the kids, the risk involves your possible exposure by your own hand. You have already jeopardized your marriage, job and any pain the kids might feel when you decided to have the affair.

By humbling yourself while cementing the facts on paper, I'll be able to read the real remorse and begin to start trusting what you are saying. I'm not looking for a detailed recount of everything. But an overview of the facts and some feelings combined in the letter. We can talk more details in person. A letter is what I'm asking for.

I feel distraught, heart broken, humiliated, depressed, lost, anger, betrayed, worthless, emasculated, foolish, our whole marriage was fake, that you'll try to be with me and suppress yourself, I'm worst than Hans..... I hate myself for neglecting and hurting you. I hate remembering something you said or did that didn't make sense and now it has context due to the affair. It's like a constant stabbing knife wound and all those feelings start over again. Even with all these crazy emotions I've never experienced like this - I want you to be happy. Truly happy. If I am anything, I am your greatest fan simply part of the audience watching your love story. I'm rooting for you to have love and to be happy.

I want to be so mad at you but it's hard because I love you so much. I feel ashamed for even saying that though cause I feel like I don't even have any self worth if I can't stay mad at you for cheating. You were so cocky and smug when you told me you were sleeping with Matt which is why I have a hard time believing anything you're saying now. My soul is ripped in two and I am literally half despair, and half hope.

I wish I didn't love you so much because I'm afraid you will use my love for your own advantage like everyone else has in my life. Kinda already feels like you have.

At the end of what has become torturous days for me, my last thoughts are still of you. I don't know what this makes me, but it truly is just me....I am so in love with you my darling. I always have been, even now now after what has happened, and I will still be in love with you long after I die. Death can not stop true love.

Forever and always,

t