Dear Annie,

November 30, 2019

Annie,

I always knew marriage would have its peaks and valleys, but I guess I did not fully understand the depths. When we have argued in the past or you have brought things up, I assumed it was a valley - something we would get through, but I was a fool for not recognizing the trajectory of those issues and where it was headed. To me, those were the valleys in which we needed to improve on communication, and I needed to follow through with the things I said I would do. Right now it feels like we're going through fog and we can't see what is in front of us. I pray we're able to move forward and through it in order to be stronger together on the other end. I pray we are only bent and not broken.

You're the best person I have ever known and I am truly glad I chose you. Because I love you so much I'm so sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for getting consumed with myself, I'm sorry for not being more vulnerable in talking. I'm sorry for appearing distant, nonchalant, and non-engaging appearing as if I don't care. I'm sorry for not being a true partner in our lives. I'm sorry you're even worried about me now because I'm struggling when you have so much on your plate. I'm sorry for not following through with the things I committed to thus seriously altering our lives. This isn't meant to be an apology letter, but I don't feel like I can ignore the obvious.

I truly love you beyond words could ever describe. I recognize the irrationality of such a statement after apologizing for all those things, but it's true. My shortcomings have nothing to do with love, they are my shortcomings and that is all. My love definitely increases the guilt of my shortcomings. I'm sure the guilt has manifested in me being defensive and argumentative when you've called me out on my shortcomings. I'm sorry for that as well. It was beyond unfair to attack you in those times.

You are my best friend. But you're also my lover, companion, and confidant. I was surprised in learning you've already thought of life without me, and out of hurt I said we couldn't be friends; however, no matter what happens, I will always be your friend. Please know though I want to be best friends, lovers, companions, and confidants for our whole lives. I want to parent with you and be a grandparent with you, together forever. I want to be buried with you. I want all of it -- and I want all of it with you. I definitely don't want our dance to end. I want you to know what I want, but if in the end we don't stay together, I want you to also know I'll always love you, and I would be lucky to be your friend.

Because I know the damage I've caused have cut so deep, it's hard to even say "everything will be okay". Even though I'm scared of losing you or perhaps I already have, I don't want you to feel like a prisoner and/or trapped in this situation. I'll be better about not being so visually sad as I don't want to pressure you or force an answer. I don't know how to support you or give you space and time but I'll do my best.

I'll be waiting for however long it takes for you to know what you need or what space and time looks like -- whatever that may be.

I love you.

t